Though not a satirical journal, the American magazine Foreign Policy has been publishing an essay by former Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif every few years, starting when he was Iran's ambassador to the United Nations.
The latest contribution came on December 2, with Zarif presented as "Iran's Vice President for Strategic Affairs," although no such position exists in the current Iranian regime. What we have in Iran is a dozen or so "assistants to the president" dealing with various issues at the president's pleasure, with no popular mandate or parliamentary ratification.
Zarif is one of those assistants.
Yet in his new essay, Zarif pretends to speak for the entire Iranian regime on issues clearly beyond his bailiwick.
He starts by pretending that it is Iran's president and not the "Supreme Leader" who has the final word on all aspects of defense, security and foreign policy.
Unlike his previous essays, this time Zarif mentions "Supreme Leader" Ayatollah Ali Khamenei once, while his boss President Masoud Pezeshkian is mentioned nine times, often with phrases such as "Pezeshkian wants," as if his desire were the nation's command.
Zarif writes:
"Pezeshkian recognizes that the world is transitioning into a post-polar era where global actors can simultaneously cooperate and compete across different areas. He has adopted a flexible foreign policy, prioritizing diplomatic engagement and constructive dialogue rather than relying on outdated paradigms."
In other words, the new president promises a clean break with the regime's behavior in the past 45 years.
He adds: "Pezeshkian wants stability and economic development in the Middle East," something that presumably the Islamic regime didn't want before because its priority was "exporting revolution."
He then adds, "Pezeshkian hopes for equal-footed negotiations," whatever that means, with America under President Donald J. Trump.
This is a bold statement, taking into account that only last week, Khamenei repeated his "no war-and-no-negotiations" mantra while Foreign Minister Abbas Araqchi told the official media, "There is no basis for talks with the Americans."
As for Pezeshkian himself, he keeps repeating "My task is to implement whatever the Supreme Leader wishes."
Pezeshkian has not mentioned any of the "wants" that Zarif attributes to him, even obliquely.
Switching to dramatic mode, the self-styled vice-president asserts: "This is a historic moment for stability that the world should not let slip."
Then, as he takes deeper puffs at his dream pipe, he suggests, "Iran and its neighbors can start by mimicking the Helsinki process, which led to the formation of the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe."
The Helsinki Accords were signed in August 1975, after two years of negotiations between Western European nations, under US leadership, and the Warsaw Pact countries, led by the USSR. (Canada, a member of NATO, also signed.)
The two blocs used the accords as a basis for reducing tension in the Cold War but did not turn it into a formal treaty with full legal ratification.
Zarif, however, suggests a formal treaty structure for the Middle Eastern version of the Helsinki Accords.
Perhaps unconsciously, Zarif uses the word "mimicking," as he sees Iran as a successor to the USSR as challenger to the Western world, and the Axis of Resistance, that is to say Hashd al-Shaabi in Iraq, Syria (when the article was written, Assad was still in Damascus), Lebanon under Hezbollah, the Houthis in part of Yemen, and Gaza under Hamas as a mini- Warsaw Pact, while the US leads all other nations of the region from Egypt to the GCC and NATO-member Turkey.
In other words, the "mimicked" Middle Eastern version of Helsinki Accords would divide the region into two zones of influence: one for Iran and its Axis of Resistance and the other for the American "Great Satan" and its Arab and Turkish allies.
The visionary writer suddenly remembers that his scenario ignores a rather active figure in its dramatis personae: Israel. What to do with the "Zionist entity"?
Zarif starts by claiming that "Iran's support for Palestinian Resistance could kick-start cooperation with Arab states" and adds: "The Arab world, after all, is united with Iran in its support for restoring the rights of the Palestinian people." Puffing deeper at his pipe, Brother Javad says "The Abraham Accords" are "ineffective." In other words, Tehran must take the lead on the Palestinian issue.
But how?
The solution, according to Zarif, is "a referendum in which everyone living between the Jordan River and the Mediterranean Sea—Muslims, Christians, and Jews—and Palestinians driven to diaspora in the twentieth century (along with their descendants) would be able to determine a viable future system of governance."
In other words, Israel must cease to exist and in Zarif's words become "a viable democratic state," presumably like the Iran, but led by Hamas.
The Zarif version of Helsinki Accords is not limited to nation-states recognized by the United Nations and includes "grassroots liberation movements such as Hamas and Hezbollah". (The Palestinian Authority under Mahmoud Abbas is not recognized by Tehran and dismissed as "a branch of Israeli occupation.")
To reassure himself in his illusions, he adds: "All countries have an interest in stopping the Israeli occupation" but offers no evidence.
Zarif also touches on the Iranian nuclear issue by boasting about its "rapid progress" signaled by enriching uranium up to 60 percent rather than 3.5 percent agreed under the JCPOA "nuclear deal" concocted in 2015 by President Barack Obama.
He says the US and European allies should help revive the deal which is a "unique example" of cooperation that allows Iran to pursue its nuclear program while benefiting from economic advantages.
Brother Javad makes it clear that his pontificating is primarily addressed at the incoming US president Donald Trump. He says that although Pezeshkian is confident that Iran can fight to defend itself, it wants peace, and "can be an able and willing partner" for the US, adding: "Should Trump decide to take such steps, then Iran is willing to have a dialogue that would benefit both Tehran and Washington."
To sum up: Pezeshkian, according to the carpet that Zarif weaves, wants the US and Iran to create a condominium in the Middle East, wipe Israel off the map with a referendum, and help Iran revive its moribund economy so that it can pay its costly proxies while speeding up its nuclear program. (The fall of Assad will reduce the cost of such shenanigans.)
Will Trump be tempted to buy such a carpet?
Amir Taheri was the executive editor-in-chief of the daily Kayhan in Iran from 1972 to 1979. He has worked at or written for innumerable publications, published eleven books, and has been a columnist for Asharq Al-Awsat since 1987. He is the Chairman of Gatestone Europe.
This article originally appeared in Asharq Al-Awsat and is reprinted with some changes by kind permission of the author.
